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| ACTIVE AND LOOKING FOR A NEW RP!! More about Rowen (my 7 month old in case y'all forgot) and my husband later on <3 | | |
| I remember, very clearly, a time specific time in highschool. It sometime into my Junior year, the year after BK had graduated so '06, I was walking down the hall toward the second floor staircase on my way to the next class, nothing special right? It was at that point in time that I felt truely and utterly alone. Surrounded by all those people, I felt as if I had no one else in the world. Even if it was just for a moment, it seem to mold my choices after that. It's not something you can just let go of, either. It's always the small factors that really stay with you. From that point on, my life underwent so many changes. I dropped out of school, moved in with BK and got a job. It only went downhill from there, I suppose. I assumed that it was karma coming back to bite me in the ass after being so long overdue. Karma from alot of different things, I guess. And all the while, after convincing myself that my life sucked an sinking deeper into a downward spiral, I look at my life now and wonder if I'm still telling myself that my life sucks (because it appears that way to me lately) or if it really does. I cant explain it. I should be the happiest person in the world right now. I'm 20 years old, I'm getting married to a wonderful man who loves me for me and understands like no one else ever has and yet I'm not happy?? Am I making my life this way or am I powerless, once again?? I wish I knew what was to come. To know if I really am making the right choice. Part of me wants to go back to BK for part of me still does and will always love him but on some level I know that things would never be the same again, no matter how hard I would try to make it so. And that is a losing-battle in itself. But who's to say it couldnt work?? Who's to say it could?? Maybe this is my form of pre-wedding jitters. Or maybe it's more karma?? Who knows... only time will tell.... | | |
| So, the final wedding preparations are to be finalized Tuesday. I'm so excited!! I got my dress, well I ordered my dress and I will recieve it Dec. 1st. It hasnt been easy though. It's been a nightmare, actually. But I guess it's supposed to be that way, huh?? You go through all this work, ages of it, and everything has to be perfect and then when the day finally arrives you can truely feel spectacular because it was all because of the effort and hardwork you put into it that makes it much more special. So, we're having roughly 30 guests attend the actual ceremony and then the reception will be held Dec. 13th at Jesse's parents house. Did I mention how excited I am?? LOL. We're going tomorrow to get our marriage liscense and to pay for the chapel. Now that everything is pretty much in order, I just want the day to be here. I never thought I would be like this about a wedding. Even if it is my own. I look back on so many things and I'm just like, "Wow, time really has flew by." I'm still in awe that I am marrying Jesse. I thought that was a dead dream after Freshman year and now here I am planning the wedding I thought would never exist. Yes, well, I hope we get some pictures from the wedding so I can post them up. I think we have a scanner somewhere and I'm gonna ask Steve if he can film it and put it on a disc for me, like we did with BK's 21st birthday party. That was a wicked awesome night lol!!! Well, I'm out of here for now. Lots more stuff to do. I guess I'm just trying to keep myself busy.... | | |
| Life is moving quite quickly. Probably gonna get fired from my shitty ass job, but I dont care for it's a shitty ass job. And then there is the wedding, which is quickly approaching, on Dec. 11th. It's entirely nerve-wracking. Went shopping with my mom today to look at prospective wedding dresses. Ehhh, I only saw one dress I actually liked. The only problem with it was that it's strapless and well, it'll slide so I'd spend the entire ceremony wondering if my boob was popping out or something. As if I'm not stressed enough already lol. So, when I got home I jumped online and went to davidsbridal. com and found THE most perfect dress ever and it's in my size so I sent the link to my brother on myspace and asked him to make sure my mom saw it because that is the dress I simply CANNOT live without. It's perfect in every sense of the word. 
It's simply gorgeous, is it not?? I never thought I'd fall so much in love with an article of clothing. I dont know what I'll do if I dont get this dress. Grrr, I am going to be so pissed off. Probably kill something, no doubt. My wedding day is going to be so perfect and I know that it is going to be because of all the hard work I am putting into getting everything ready for it. It WILL be perfect, even if I have to kill everyone of my guests and family members to make it so. Wow, I dont think I have ever been this focused. So, I finally got a hold of my birth mother and she is flying out here Dec. 10th for the wedding on the 11th. I havent seen or heard from her since that fateful, drunken night when she called my brother and I and slurred out a bunch of bullshit about four or five years ago. She's getting out of rehab tomorrow, so I suppose I'll call her then. I talked to her on Saturday for the first time since that incident and wow was it weird. She claims she is trying but I did take much pleasure in telling her all the shit I got into, as well as what my brother is in. She is partially to blame and I know that on some level she knows this. My brother was very pissed when he found out I was in contact with her again. He hates her because she robbed him of a real childhood, she never really cared about him, I am sorry to say. And then he found out a few months ago that she never wanted him so his hatred is so deep that he'll never fully be rid of it, even if he wanted to be. I dont blame him for hating her either. She deserves the wrath she will get from him for everything she put him through. I, however, believe that you cant walk through life hating someone forever. Sometimes, you have to let shit go and I am trying. But this is the last time that I let her back into my life. If she screws it up again, she's as good as dead in my eyes. And I'm not making it easy for her. I dont call her Mom for I do not think she has gained that back yet. It was too easy for her all the time she fucked us over and I wont make the same mistakes twice because I, unlike her, learn from my mistakes (thanks Jesse, I love you!!).  This is Jesse, btw.
 The man I've loved since grade 7.
His hair is shorter now, though. I loved the long hair but he wont be able to have it in the Air Force, so may as well get used to it now, eh?? Well, I'm gonna go, I guess. I think I've rambled long enough. I'll update again after the wedding, if not anytime before then.... ~*Black Orchid*~ | | |
| I feel like I am making the same mistakes once again. Like before, when I was with BK but also with Killian at the same time. I had somewhat relations with BK todnight and I cannot blame it on the alcohol for I was drunk but I was fully aware of what I was doing. I didnt break any of the rules Jesse and I laid down, but it feels so terrible anyway. The rules were that I could do anything but make out and have sex with someone else and that did not happen. But I fear that it may for I lack self control especially under the influence. It is known that I still love BK but I have loved Jesse my entire life which is why I cannot figure out why I am doing this to Jesse. He does not deserve this and it is not the first time something of this nature has happened between BK and I. Have I defied you, oh mighty Gods and Giddesses?? I am aware that the Goddess Athena reigns inside of my very being as does a vampire, but what have I done to deserve this? And what have those that I am forcing to endure this torture along with me done?? Why do you continue to put me through this torment??? Would I not be better off damned to roam the gallows of the River Styx for all eternity?? I have been there and it was far better than this. My weakness is that I care too much but why curse those who do not deserve it???? Please, I beg of thee, Oh Mighty Gods, send a sign. Some kind of inkling that my pleas have not fallen unto deaf ears.... Blessed Be, ~*Cassi | | |
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